Five questions to ask any powerful person (according to Tony Benn):
What power have you got?
Where did you get it?
In whose interests do you use it?
To whom are you accountable?
How do we get rid of you?
Monday 23 November 2009
Friday 20 November 2009
DEAL OR NO DEAL? Musical Deal-breakers
I’ve recently discovered a now defunct blog penned by none other than Sleater Kinney’s Carrie Brownstein (OMG!!) about music. Joy! I’m slowly and surreptitiously working my way through the archive whilst pretending to type minutes, or some such, in my dull as shit job and I’ve already found something which I can rant about/around: musical deal-breakers. Read on…
“Each of us has a deal-breaker when it comes to songs, albums, or musicians. It's an aspect we cannot forgive, a line that cannot be crossed. Maybe it's a sound we abhor in a certain context - a children's choir or horn section, for instance, intruding on an otherwise perfectly austere album in the name of maturity and sophistication. Or maybe it's a band that gives your favourite song to a burger or clothing or car company.”
Are you getting the picture yet? If so, where to begin? I have so many it’s difficult to know where to start. I think I should just make a list (yes!)…
1. Seasonal bells in otherwise non-festive songs: these tend to be shoe-horned into singles with a November/December release that may or may not be aiming for the Xmas top-slot. Now, I love Xmas as much, if not more, than the average Joe – it’s my longest holiday of the year! - but I still find the inclusion of ‘sleigh-bells’ in any credible piece of music an abomination. A good example of this is ‘At My Most Beautiful’ by REM where we’re forced to endure the sound of sleigh bells before the lyrics have even kicked in. Painful.
2. Crowd participation at gigs or in clubs: I should be more specific here; I’m not unduly opposed to clapping on demand and so on at gigs, even thought I recognise that this is quite a contentious issue for many of my fellow gig-goers. My phobia tends to focus on hip hop tracks which require the ‘crowd’ to repeat lines or, more often than not, noises, e.g. MC: “Everybody say HO!” Crowd: “HO!” MC: “HO, HO!” Crowd: “HO, HO!” “MC: “DISCO!” Crowd: “DISCO!” MC: “PARTY!” Crowd: “PARTY!” etc. etc… OR “wave your hands in the air, and shake ‘em like you just don’t care” etc. etc….you get the picture. This is a perfect example of something that is best enjoyed alone and in the privacy of your own home. The whole process reeks too much of organised fun, and gives me flashbacks to dancing (dancing?) to ‘Superman’ by Black Lace at school discos. Shudder.
3. MC instructions for “ladies in the house!” to “shake that booty”: similarly to my second deal-breaker, this aural and visual atrocity tends to take place in clubs and other venues containing crowds (yet, ANOTHER reason to revert to the safety of my cave…). Classic scenarios are characterised by either an MC or record instructing the “ladies in the house” to “rub on your titties” (Pharoahe Monche’s ‘Simon Says’), “work it”, “shake your asses” etc… I don’t know what’s worse – the isolated instruction, or the countless women who use the opportunity to gyrate their damnedest for the smirking males on the sidelines. Sigh. The only exception to this rule is “Hey Ya!” by Outkast which may want to see ladies “on their baddest behaviour”, but is closely followed by a directive to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”. How can lassies gyrate straight-faced to such madness? Inspired!
For the record (ha!), I’m actually a massive fan of hip-hop, despite its occasional misogynistic, homophobic, racist, capitalist and pro-violence tendencies. No, really! My old housemate’s musical deal-breaker was the misunderstood saxophone. Any tune that saw fit to include a saxophone solo struck pain into her very core. Speaking to other pals on the subject reveals similar feelings. Other examples cited in the comments section made me laugh so much I had to include them – see below:
“The classic move, of course, is for the band to "bring it down a bit" during one of their extended jams, and for the singer to introduce each musician ("and on bass guitar, give it up for Steve 'Big Thunder' Connelly"). The audience will politely applaud, and maybe the musicians will respond to their name being spoken aloud with a clever little fill or riff. Hot! Then one of the musicians will step to the mic and introduce the singer to what will hopefully be the biggest applause of all. And if we're very, very lucky, the singer will feign surprise at being introduced at all - as if they hadn't spent hours choreographing the whole thing back in their dingy lockout.”
This happened when I went to see Fleetwood Mac, recently. It’s so cringey it makes me laugh like hell, rather than irritating me.
“My deal-breaker: Guitar Solo Face. You know what I'm talking about. As if there is something incredibly physically demanding about playing the squealy high notes.”
Not sure what this looks like? See the bloke rocking out in the stylish camouflage get-up below...
“Each of us has a deal-breaker when it comes to songs, albums, or musicians. It's an aspect we cannot forgive, a line that cannot be crossed. Maybe it's a sound we abhor in a certain context - a children's choir or horn section, for instance, intruding on an otherwise perfectly austere album in the name of maturity and sophistication. Or maybe it's a band that gives your favourite song to a burger or clothing or car company.”
Are you getting the picture yet? If so, where to begin? I have so many it’s difficult to know where to start. I think I should just make a list (yes!)…
1. Seasonal bells in otherwise non-festive songs: these tend to be shoe-horned into singles with a November/December release that may or may not be aiming for the Xmas top-slot. Now, I love Xmas as much, if not more, than the average Joe – it’s my longest holiday of the year! - but I still find the inclusion of ‘sleigh-bells’ in any credible piece of music an abomination. A good example of this is ‘At My Most Beautiful’ by REM where we’re forced to endure the sound of sleigh bells before the lyrics have even kicked in. Painful.
2. Crowd participation at gigs or in clubs: I should be more specific here; I’m not unduly opposed to clapping on demand and so on at gigs, even thought I recognise that this is quite a contentious issue for many of my fellow gig-goers. My phobia tends to focus on hip hop tracks which require the ‘crowd’ to repeat lines or, more often than not, noises, e.g. MC: “Everybody say HO!” Crowd: “HO!” MC: “HO, HO!” Crowd: “HO, HO!” “MC: “DISCO!” Crowd: “DISCO!” MC: “PARTY!” Crowd: “PARTY!” etc. etc… OR “wave your hands in the air, and shake ‘em like you just don’t care” etc. etc….you get the picture. This is a perfect example of something that is best enjoyed alone and in the privacy of your own home. The whole process reeks too much of organised fun, and gives me flashbacks to dancing (dancing?) to ‘Superman’ by Black Lace at school discos. Shudder.
3. MC instructions for “ladies in the house!” to “shake that booty”: similarly to my second deal-breaker, this aural and visual atrocity tends to take place in clubs and other venues containing crowds (yet, ANOTHER reason to revert to the safety of my cave…). Classic scenarios are characterised by either an MC or record instructing the “ladies in the house” to “rub on your titties” (Pharoahe Monche’s ‘Simon Says’), “work it”, “shake your asses” etc… I don’t know what’s worse – the isolated instruction, or the countless women who use the opportunity to gyrate their damnedest for the smirking males on the sidelines. Sigh. The only exception to this rule is “Hey Ya!” by Outkast which may want to see ladies “on their baddest behaviour”, but is closely followed by a directive to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”. How can lassies gyrate straight-faced to such madness? Inspired!
For the record (ha!), I’m actually a massive fan of hip-hop, despite its occasional misogynistic, homophobic, racist, capitalist and pro-violence tendencies. No, really! My old housemate’s musical deal-breaker was the misunderstood saxophone. Any tune that saw fit to include a saxophone solo struck pain into her very core. Speaking to other pals on the subject reveals similar feelings. Other examples cited in the comments section made me laugh so much I had to include them – see below:
“The classic move, of course, is for the band to "bring it down a bit" during one of their extended jams, and for the singer to introduce each musician ("and on bass guitar, give it up for Steve 'Big Thunder' Connelly"). The audience will politely applaud, and maybe the musicians will respond to their name being spoken aloud with a clever little fill or riff. Hot! Then one of the musicians will step to the mic and introduce the singer to what will hopefully be the biggest applause of all. And if we're very, very lucky, the singer will feign surprise at being introduced at all - as if they hadn't spent hours choreographing the whole thing back in their dingy lockout.”
This happened when I went to see Fleetwood Mac, recently. It’s so cringey it makes me laugh like hell, rather than irritating me.
“My deal-breaker: Guitar Solo Face. You know what I'm talking about. As if there is something incredibly physically demanding about playing the squealy high notes.”
Not sure what this looks like? See the bloke rocking out in the stylish camouflage get-up below...
I’ve thought of another: flying-V guitars. Nuff said!
“The biggest deal-breaker of all time for me was Papa Roach exhorting the girls in the crowd at a show to take their shirts off and act up for the 'Girls Gone Wild' camera crews roaming the venue. Kudos to all the girls, as I didn't see any of them getting naked or otherwise 'wild'.”
Just another example of the myriad ways in which Papa Roach suck. WTF?
What are your musical deal-breakers?
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